TL;DR: Presence in any relationship starts with you. When you manage stress effectively, become more in tune with your emotions, and approach yourself with compassion, you build the foundation to be fully present with others. Listening becomes an active, intentional process – not just hearing – but noticing tone, body language, and emotion. Presence with someone else also means making conscious choices, like putting the phone away. It’s not about perfection – it’s about practicing, over and over again. Your presence can be contagious – your practice can inspire others to show up more fully too.
How to be more present in a relationship is a real, learnable skill that shapes how we show up in all kinds of relationships. In this post, we’ll peel back the layers of what’s involved in being present with another human being, including what tends to get in the way, how stress and emotional intelligence come into play, and the not-so-small matter of managing your phone.
You’ll find lots of simple, doable ways to start practicing (without needing to meditate on a mountain).
If you’ve ever caught yourself zoning out mid-conversation, reacting more than you’d like, or feeling like you’re not giving someone the attention they deserve, this post is for you.
Inspire By Example - Let Your Presence Lead
I’m a strong believer in practicing being present with yourself in order to be fully present in a relationship with another. While it’s possible to be present with someone without first being present with ourselves, it likely won’t be with the authenticity, and to the depth, that it could be.
In being present with yourself – your emotions, your body sensations, your thoughts – you’re building self-awareness. And that self-awareness serves as a foundation for helping you tune into what’s happening for someone else. It becomes easier to notice subtle cues, respond rather than react, and hold space for their experience without losing yourself in the process.
It Takes Two
Of course, it takes two to build a solid partnership, no matter the kind. What’s the use in showing up with presence if the other person isn’t able – or willing – to meet you there themselves?
This is where inspiring by example comes into play in a big way. How we hold ourselves, how we show up for ourselves and others – it matters.
Our presence, our care, our way of listening can be powerful invitations. Invitations for others to slow down, pay attention, be more present for themselves, and with us.
Remember, the intent here is to offer a different – a more present – way of being – rather than to control or fix someone.
Let's Get Practical with Showing Up First
(Choose the action that resonates or come up with your own.)
- Daily check-ins. Choose a regular daily task – like brushing your teeth, waiting for the kettle to boil, or walking to your car – as a time to check in with yourself. Ask: How am I feeling right now? What’s going on in my mind? In my body?
- Energy awareness. Notice what kind of energy you bring into your interactions – rushed or spacious? Distracted or attentive? Closed or open? Start paying attention to how your energy influences the dynamic between you and someone else.
- Reflect and shift. Reflect on a recent interaction where you felt disconnected and ask yourself: Were you present with yourself beforehand? How could you have made a small shift to be more grounded in yourself?
Let's Talk About Stress
In the spirit of starting with ourselves, let’s talk about stress.
You’re probably already aware that when you’re stressed, it’s difficult to be present in a relationship – whether with yourself or someone else. You’re less patient, more distracted, less available. It’s harder to listen, harder to respond with care, and much easier to be reactive.
Your mind might be stuck replaying what led to your stress, or jumping ahead to what might go wrong next – or perhaps bouncing between both. In any case, you’re no longer here – not with your body, not with the person in front of you, not with the conversation that’s unfolding.
So, is the answer to being more present in a relationship to remove stress entirely?
Not likely. Stress is a natural part of being human. The key lies in shifting how we relate to it – and how we live day to day.
Notice the Signs
The first step is noticing the signs:
- What does stress feel like in your body?
- What happens with your breath?
- How do your thoughts and behaviours shift?
We all experience stress differently – some of us withdraw, others get busier; some feel tension in their jaw, others in their shoulders or gut. When you learn to recognize your personal signs and acknowledge when you’re stressed, you give yourself the choice in how you respond.
Coming Back to Centre
Then consider what helps you come back to centre. What helps you reset or feel grounded again?
Is it:
- movement or exercise?
- time in nature?
- talking to someone?
- shifting your mindset?
- doing something creative?
- something else entirely?
The key is to know what actually helps you, and to find small ways to make those strategies accessible day to day.
More Than Coping in the Moment
Managing stress is also about how we live day to day – not just how we cope in the moment. Our everyday routines shape how we respond under pressure.
For example, how you start a typical morning can set the tone for your entire day. Scrolling your phone first thing can pull you into comparison or urgency, while taking a few conscious breaths can set a more grounded presence.
The more we practice coming back to ourselves when things are relatively calm, the more available we are for ourselves and others when things get tough. We build resilience and create space for deeper presence in our relationships.
Let's Get Practical with Managing Our Stress
- Find a “return to presence” cue. Choose a simple anchor – like a hand on your chest, a grounding phase, or a few conscious breaths – that helps you reconnect with yourself in the moment. Practice using it during low-stress times so it becomes easier to access when you’re in the thick of it.
- Do a mini stress inventory. The next time you’re stressed, take time to reflect: what am I experiencing in my body? In my thoughts? In my behaviours and emotions?
- Curate your self-care. Make a list of self-care strategies that support you and are available to you (not just what you think you should be doing). How can you integrate one or 2 of these strategies more regularly into your week?
Mindful Communication
When it comes to being more present in a relationship, one of the most powerful ways to show up is through mindful listening.
Listening is often seen as passive, but to truly listen is an active, intentional practice that requires our full presence. It’s not just about hearing the words – it’s about noticing what’s unsaid, as well as paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and the emotions behind the words.
Listening Like You Mean It
In a world full of distractions, being fully present in a conversation can be challenging. It’s easy to start thinking about your response, or your to-do list, or how your day is going. This leaves the person speaking feeling unheard or even dismissed.
Being mindful in your listening means choosing to intentionally engage with someone in a way that makes them feel seen and heard.
It means embracing silence and creating space for the other person’s words to be fully expressed without interrupting or rushing in with your own thoughts or advice.
Actively Re-Engaging
There of course will be time when your mind will wander. For me, I often catch myself rehearing my response, judging what’s being shared, or even allowing something they’ve shared to trigger a chain of personal thoughts. These are common blocks to listening, and recognizing them is key to becoming more present in a relationship.
Whenever I notice that my attention has wandered in a conversation, I make a point to actively re-engage. I consciously bring my focus back to the person I’m with – to their words, their body language in the moment. This simple act of returning your attention is at the heart of mindfulness.
Let's Get Practical with Mindful Listening
- Pause and give your full attention. When someone wants to speak with you, pause what you’re doing. Take a conscious breath, and choose to receive what will be communicated to you, whether you want to hear it or not.
- Clarification with curiosity. Instead of making assumptions, approach any confusion or doubt with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to get a better understanding.
- Show empathy. Reflect back what you hear – not just the content but also the emotion you noticed behind it. For example, “it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated about this situation. Did I get that right?”
- Notice your listening blocks. What tends to pull you out of the present moment when listening? Is it comparing, judging, or identifying what they say with your own experience? Commit to noticing and releasing these blocks as they arise, so you can re-engage and listen actively.
- Practice mindful listening in your daily life. Try guided mindful listening practices and/or take small moments throughout your day to practice. For example, when out on a walk or in the grocery store, focus keeping your attention on the sounds around you. This trains your attention to stay anchored in the present on this anchor, which you can then bring into conversations with others.
- Allow silence to live in your conversations. Let there be pauses. Resist the urge to fill every silence with words. Instead, tune into your emotions and the experience of the person you’re in conversation with.
Staying with Suffering
We all experience suffering, of varying degrees, often at multiple points in our lives. So any time we’re in a relationship with another person, we’re bound to encounter them in their own moments of suffering.
This can be difficult to be present for. It can stir up our own discomfort, or have us unsure of what to say or do. But if we can recognize another person’s suffering, hold space for it – and for ourselves at the same time – we can offer a rare gift to them – the gift of compassion during a difficult time.
What is Compassion Exactly?
Compassion is the ability to be with suffering – your own or someone else’s – while also having a genuine desire to ease that suffering. It involves both an inner emotional experience and an outer willingness to respond. Unlike empathy, which is about feeling another person’s emotions, compassion involves the capacity to respond with care while staying grounded.
The key is being able to comfort and soothe yourself in the process. That’s not easy. But it’s possible. And like everything else about how to be more present in a relationship – it’s a practice.
It starts with presence. You have to be here to even notice that someone else is struggling, or that you are. This awareness opens the door to a compassionate response.
Let's Get Practical with Compassion
- One for you, one for me. Try this simple breath practice when you’re with someone who’s hurting: breathe in for yourself, breathe out for the other person. It’s a quiet way to stay grounded while remaining connected to the other person.
- Pause for self-compassion. Recognize when you’re being hard on yourself. Pause. Take a few conscious breaths. Then try offering yourself some kind words – something that you might say to a friend in your position, or what you’d like them to say to you. If you’re stuck, try, “may I be gentle w/ myself. May I meet this moment with care.”
- Build your compassion muscle. Explore guided self-compassion practices, such as loving-kindness meditations or self-compassion breaks. This can help you build the muscle of responding to difficulty with tenderness rather than judgment.
- Try compassionate touch. Place a hand over your heart, cradle your face, or wrap yourself up in a gentle hug – whatever feels most natural. This can bring comfort and help regulate your nervous system.
The Role of Emotional Intelligence - Feel It to Navigate It
Being more present in a relationship means being in tune with not only what’s happening around you, but also what’s happening within you. This includes all your emotions – the ones you feel comfortable with, and the ones you usually try to push away.
Emotional intelligence is about developing awareness of your emotional landscape and learning how to navigate it with more care and less reactivity. That means being able to recognize what you’re feeling, have some understanding of where it’s coming from, and choose how to respond.
This becomes particularly important when you’re in relationship with others. When someone else’s emotions run high, your nervous system might react automatically. You might want to shut down, defend, fix, or rescue. But the more emotionally aware and regulated you are, the more spaciousness you have to stay grounded in your own experience while also making room for someone else’s.
Being Present with Their Emotions Too
But emotional intelligence isn’t just internal – it also involves tuning into what others might be feeling, even when they’re not saying it directly. Sometimes emotions show up in a shift in tone, a pause in the conversation, or a change in body language. Crossed arms, a furrowed brow, or a lack of eye contact can tell you just as much as words – if not more.
Being emotionally present means you’re aware of your own inner world, while also being attentive to the subtle, non-verbal ways the other person may be expressing themselves.
Like every other part of how to be more present in a relationship, emotional intelligence is something we practice – and recent research shows it can be trained. With time, it becomes easier to understand what you’re feeling, pause before reacting, and respond in a compassionate way.
Let's Get Practical with Emotional Intelligence
- Name what you’re feeling. Throughout the day, check in and name the emotion that you’re experiencing. If you’re not sure, try starting with, “I’m feeling something like… [frustrated, sad, anxious]. (This Feelings Wheel might help too.) This simple act of naming an emotion can create space between you and the reaction that follows it.
- Practice emotion spotting. In conversations with others, try to notice the emotions behind what’s being said. You don’t need to call them out – just observe. Over time, this can help increase your capacity to stay present with someone else’s emotions.
- Track your triggers. Reflect on a recent moment when you felt emotionally activated (whether negative or positive). What was the trigger? What did you feel in your body? What was your first impulse? Understanding your patterns helps you interrupt them and respond differently next time.
Addressing the Elephant in the Room
Nothing fractures presence in a relationship more quickly than our phones. It might seem harmless to glance at a notification or check a message mid-conversation. But those small interruptions can send a big message: This isn’t important enough for my full attention.
My strategy is to have the phone out of reach and on silent. “Out of sight, out of mind” is what works best for me.
I get it – there will be times when you genuinely need your phone close – like when you’re caring for someone or waiting for an important call. In those cases, consider silencing everything other than the app or contact you need to stay connected to.
If you’re serious about being more present in your relationships, you have to get intentional about your phone use.
It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. And your actions can be contagious. When your phone is tucked and you’re fully engaged, it invites others to do the same. The people you care about deserve your fullest attention, don’t they?
Let's Get Practical with our Phone Use
- Name your why (a personal favourite strategy!). Keep a note somewhere with a reminder of why this matters. “To show my partner they matter.” “To model presence for my kids.” “To feel more grounded.” When the pull to check is strong, your why can anchor you.
- Out of Reach, out of mind. When you’re home in the evenings – or during any intentional time with loved ones or with yourself – place your phone in another room. You’ll be less tempted to check it and more likely to stay present.
- Create a phone-free zone. Designate certain areas of your home (such as places of rest or nourishment) as no-phone zones. This sets a clear boundary and creates space for deeper connection.
- Customize your “Do Not Disturb” function. Customize it to only allow essential contacts through. This way, you’re available if needed but not constantly pulled away by unnecessary alerts.
- Replace the reach. When you find yourself reaching for your phone out of habit, replace the gesture with something grounding: a conscious breath, a stretch, eye contact with the person you’re with. This helps to interrupt the auto-pilot and build a more intentional habit.
How to Be More Present in a Relationship (Even When it's Hard)
As you work to be more present in your relationships, it’s essential to remember that this is a practice, not a perfect performance. You’re going to have moments where you slip up, get distracted, or react impulsively instead of responding with presence. And that’s okay.
It’s important to meet yourself with kindness in those moments. Self-judgment can pull you further away from presence, while compassion helps you stay grounded and keep going.
Remember that building the muscle of mindfulness and presence takes time. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel. But there will be bumps along the way. That’s part of the journey.
Let's Get Practical with Being Kind to Ourselves
- Reflect without judgment. At the end of your day, reflect on your interactions with self-compassion. What went well? Where could I have been more present? This will help you stay grounded in growth rather than stuck in guilt.
Let Your Presence Invite Others In
The truth is, being presence isn’t something we master once and for all. Being more present in a relationship is a daily – in fact, moment to moment – choice. It’s not always about getting it right, though, it’s about choosing to be present, again and again.
Let your presence be the invitation. If that’s completely missed, you can share what you’re practicing – not to convince or correct – but to stay honest and transparent. This can open a door, even if it’s just a crack.
If you’re curious about deepening your presence — in relationships, in life — this is the heart of what we explore in mindfulness coaching.